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[ It isn't Umemiya's fault. Endo invited him. But this situation causes old, barely conquered habits to slip through, and Endo simply lets him apologize and take on that burden. It's fucked up, but Endo wants him to blame himself; it gratifies him in some small, ugly way that he wouldn't be able to dig into even if he wanted to. Despite everything, he's still himself — a manipulative asshole who prefers to move pawns according to his — and ultimately Takiishi's — desires. So screw it. Umemiya can feel bad.
There's an honest answer to Umemiya's question, which is that there is something that isn't turning out okay, but Endo is back to dismissiveness, a wall firmly back in place. ]
You heard him. It's no big deal.
[ At the least, Takiishi did not say anything to indicate that he cares either which way, aside from being surprised at the situation.
It is a big deal though — to Endo, if no one else. ]
There's an honest answer to Umemiya's question, which is that there is something that isn't turning out okay, but Endo is back to dismissiveness, a wall firmly back in place. ]
You heard him. It's no big deal.
[ At the least, Takiishi did not say anything to indicate that he cares either which way, aside from being surprised at the situation.
It is a big deal though — to Endo, if no one else. ]
You can kick me out, but don't lie to me like that.
[He knows Endo well enough to almost feel the way his heart is squeezed in a situation like this. But he's moving for the door, knowing that lingering won't help anyone.]
I can text you later, or something.
[He knows Endo well enough to almost feel the way his heart is squeezed in a situation like this. But he's moving for the door, knowing that lingering won't help anyone.]
I can text you later, or something.
Do whatever you want.
[ He says it without bothering to look at Umemiya again. He doesn't want to see anything in his face. He doesn't want sympathy, or care, or hurt, or any of that — not anymore. He just wants to go back to taking care of Takiishi, like this never happened. Like Umemiya never happened.
But that thought makes him clench his teeth as he stares at the refrigerator, a subtle tension tightening his shoulders. Because even now, in the thick of all of this, Endo is still Umemiya's.
But he's more Takiishi's. ]
[ He says it without bothering to look at Umemiya again. He doesn't want to see anything in his face. He doesn't want sympathy, or care, or hurt, or any of that — not anymore. He just wants to go back to taking care of Takiishi, like this never happened. Like Umemiya never happened.
But that thought makes him clench his teeth as he stares at the refrigerator, a subtle tension tightening his shoulders. Because even now, in the thick of all of this, Endo is still Umemiya's.
But he's more Takiishi's. ]
[Umemiya goes without another word, feeling heavy. He fucked this all up, didn't he? If he were smarter, he wouldn't have come over here at all. That was the first mistake.
...should he and Endo be doing any of this at all? Is he getting in the way?
Dom drop sneaks up on him like a mugger, the point of a knife against the back of his neck. Self-doubt and confused emotions claim him, on his lonely walk home.]
...should he and Endo be doing any of this at all? Is he getting in the way?
Dom drop sneaks up on him like a mugger, the point of a knife against the back of his neck. Self-doubt and confused emotions claim him, on his lonely walk home.]
[ A little too elated for the nature of the conversation, Endo's face lights up, openly charmed by Accelerator's embarrassment and subsequent answer. By now, his reaction is nothing new, though he anticipates that it'll add fuel to the fire regardless. He's having fun, but not just at Accelerator's expense. Endo's dedicated his life to someone who barely reacts to anything, and certainly doesn't experience embarrassment — so it's kind of funny that his interest's been snagged by someone who's the opposite. More than that, eliciting these reactions is new for him, because he's never really experienced this before — not even with his flings. Since he goes for older women, they tend to be both experienced and mature, and wouldn't blush even if he whispered a bunch of kinky nonsense in their ears.
He likes having this affect on Accelerator. It's addictive, just like his fascination with his wings. Endo's either wholly captivated or entirely disinterested. It's all or nothing, with no middle ground in between. This is no exception. ]
Why would it be?
[ He raises his eyebrows, but his expression turns a shade knowing, almost approaching the arrogance he demonstrated during their first meeting. To him, the question is yet another indicator of how enmeshed he already is within Accelerator's mind.
If Accelerator didn't care about his opinion at all — if he truly only came to the appointment with Endo out of guilt — then why would it matter if it were a problem? What would he care? Why ask at all? Because the opposite is true. He does care.
See, most people would probably take someone who fantasizes about killing them to be a pretty big red flag. Endo isn't most people. He's all about that unfettered, raw emotion being centered around him. He wants to be on Accelerator's mind and he doesn't care what form that takes. Violence is passion; thoughts of murder are, in a roundabout way, a form of attention. When Accelerator confessed to thinking about killing him, he might as well have been offering a form of devotion.
Accelerator isn't neutral about him — some part of him must already factor Endo in as a permanent part of his life. At least, that's how Endo takes it. ]
I don't give a damn about most people, either.
[ This may not seem true, as Endo navigates the social sphere with ease — and he's good at dealing with people when he wants to be. But it's a fact. He only cares about 1.5 people.
Accelerator is the 0.5. ]
But that's not what I mean. You don't gotta like someone to sleep with 'em.
[ Endo would be celibate if that were the case. Before all this went down, he only cared for Takiishi — and Takiishi cares for no one. ]
He likes having this affect on Accelerator. It's addictive, just like his fascination with his wings. Endo's either wholly captivated or entirely disinterested. It's all or nothing, with no middle ground in between. This is no exception. ]
Why would it be?
[ He raises his eyebrows, but his expression turns a shade knowing, almost approaching the arrogance he demonstrated during their first meeting. To him, the question is yet another indicator of how enmeshed he already is within Accelerator's mind.
If Accelerator didn't care about his opinion at all — if he truly only came to the appointment with Endo out of guilt — then why would it matter if it were a problem? What would he care? Why ask at all? Because the opposite is true. He does care.
See, most people would probably take someone who fantasizes about killing them to be a pretty big red flag. Endo isn't most people. He's all about that unfettered, raw emotion being centered around him. He wants to be on Accelerator's mind and he doesn't care what form that takes. Violence is passion; thoughts of murder are, in a roundabout way, a form of attention. When Accelerator confessed to thinking about killing him, he might as well have been offering a form of devotion.
Accelerator isn't neutral about him — some part of him must already factor Endo in as a permanent part of his life. At least, that's how Endo takes it. ]
I don't give a damn about most people, either.
[ This may not seem true, as Endo navigates the social sphere with ease — and he's good at dealing with people when he wants to be. But it's a fact. He only cares about 1.5 people.
Accelerator is the 0.5. ]
But that's not what I mean. You don't gotta like someone to sleep with 'em.
[ Endo would be celibate if that were the case. Before all this went down, he only cared for Takiishi — and Takiishi cares for no one. ]
[With that question Accelerator is anticipating more teasing. He can't say he's getting used to it (he isn't, he wants to either crawl out of his skin or punch Endo in the face every time he needles him) but he thinks he has somewhat of a grasp on how Endo functions by now. Clearly he gets a kick out of doing it, so why stop now?
But no. No smarmy comments about how he's missing out, or why women are great, or whatever. Instead he's agreeing with him, which makes Accelerator stare in utter confusion. This guy, the person who was just casually flirting with their waitress, shares his disdain towards most people? Is he serious? Accelerator would guess this is another round of teasing, but the smile on Endo's face says otherwise. It's the same one he had back in the hospital, during a point when he specifically wasn't making fun of him. He had just been babbling cheerfully about how his love life worked. He's... sort of doing the same thing right now, isn't he?
Accelerator relaxes slightly, feeling his guard drop a little. If he doesn't need to have any immediate worries about being pestered that frees up his mind to wander. Endo's extroverted nature has him curious; why bother putting the effort in when he doesn't like people? Is that just something that comes easily to him, so he does it without thinking? Accelerator can't imagine it, not when people make him so irritated and exhausted most of the time.
But then... Endo is strange to begin with. Most people, after nearly being killed by something as inhuman as his black wings, would be utterly terrified of him. They'd rightfully consider him a monster and avoid him as much as possible. They wouldn't be asking him to come to medical appointments, and then lunch.
It's why he's even here, isn't it. He's sitting here, putting up with being embarrassed and teased and aggravated because the person across him isn't afraid of him. Endo is interested in him, he he wants to spend time with him. Because sometimes, in between all of that bullshit, they can have a normal conversation. All of that makes him feel anxious, but also... kind of warm, in a good way.]
... So that's what you do? Sleep with people even though you don't like them.
[He's trying to wrap his brain around this, so it's a tentative curiosity that motivates him to ask. Partly because his inexperience in this area of life means there are huge gaps in his knowledge, and mostly because this is another chance to learn a bit more about Endo himself.]
But no. No smarmy comments about how he's missing out, or why women are great, or whatever. Instead he's agreeing with him, which makes Accelerator stare in utter confusion. This guy, the person who was just casually flirting with their waitress, shares his disdain towards most people? Is he serious? Accelerator would guess this is another round of teasing, but the smile on Endo's face says otherwise. It's the same one he had back in the hospital, during a point when he specifically wasn't making fun of him. He had just been babbling cheerfully about how his love life worked. He's... sort of doing the same thing right now, isn't he?
Accelerator relaxes slightly, feeling his guard drop a little. If he doesn't need to have any immediate worries about being pestered that frees up his mind to wander. Endo's extroverted nature has him curious; why bother putting the effort in when he doesn't like people? Is that just something that comes easily to him, so he does it without thinking? Accelerator can't imagine it, not when people make him so irritated and exhausted most of the time.
But then... Endo is strange to begin with. Most people, after nearly being killed by something as inhuman as his black wings, would be utterly terrified of him. They'd rightfully consider him a monster and avoid him as much as possible. They wouldn't be asking him to come to medical appointments, and then lunch.
It's why he's even here, isn't it. He's sitting here, putting up with being embarrassed and teased and aggravated because the person across him isn't afraid of him. Endo is interested in him, he he wants to spend time with him. Because sometimes, in between all of that bullshit, they can have a normal conversation. All of that makes him feel anxious, but also... kind of warm, in a good way.]
... So that's what you do? Sleep with people even though you don't like them.
[He's trying to wrap his brain around this, so it's a tentative curiosity that motivates him to ask. Partly because his inexperience in this area of life means there are huge gaps in his knowledge, and mostly because this is another chance to learn a bit more about Endo himself.]
[ Endo doesn't say anything as Umemiya shuts the door behind him. He leans against the counter, sagging a little under the weight of all that's just happened. Outside of that, he tries not to focus on the mess of what he feels and instead focuses on the very near future — and Takiishi. ]
He's gone.
[ He calls his out loud enough to be heard, that way Takiishi knows that their space is theirs alone again. ]
He's gone.
[ He calls his out loud enough to be heard, that way Takiishi knows that their space is theirs alone again. ]
Sorry.
[ That's the first thing out of Endo's mouth — not that he thinks Takiishi is looking for an apology. But it needs to be said. He made a mistake tonight.
He knows that Takiishi is waiting for more than that, so he rubs the back of his neck and adds: ]
I know it's weird. It wasn't supposed to be a whole thing.
[ And he wasn't supposed to invite Umemiya over. ]
[ That's the first thing out of Endo's mouth — not that he thinks Takiishi is looking for an apology. But it needs to be said. He made a mistake tonight.
He knows that Takiishi is waiting for more than that, so he rubs the back of his neck and adds: ]
I know it's weird. It wasn't supposed to be a whole thing.
[ And he wasn't supposed to invite Umemiya over. ]
[ That tone makes Endo's heart ache. It makes him want to call Umemiya right now and cut him off for good. It makes him feel like he could almost hate him again — but only because he's projecting. He isn't stupid. He knows he only has himself to blame. ]
Kinda, I guess.
[ As much as Endo wants to lie to Takiishi to spare him more of this conversation, he won't do it. ]
We don't talk about it much.
[ Not the finer details. They haven't exactly formalized anything. But they've only grown closer, and Endo's only grown freer. More comfortable. More understood. ]
But it's been a few times, and I —
[ What? Need him? Want him? Feel — loved? He can't sort through that now. ]
I'm a submissive, Takiishi.
[ He says it apologetically, like this knowledge is a burden he's foisting upon him — like he's sorry for having needs. ]
Kinda, I guess.
[ As much as Endo wants to lie to Takiishi to spare him more of this conversation, he won't do it. ]
We don't talk about it much.
[ Not the finer details. They haven't exactly formalized anything. But they've only grown closer, and Endo's only grown freer. More comfortable. More understood. ]
But it's been a few times, and I —
[ What? Need him? Want him? Feel — loved? He can't sort through that now. ]
I'm a submissive, Takiishi.
[ He says it apologetically, like this knowledge is a burden he's foisting upon him — like he's sorry for having needs. ]
Oh.
[It doesn't all suddenly come into focus, that's not it, but as Takiishi considers that fact, it makes certain things clearer. Endo's behavior, his actions.
He just doesn't know what to do about it. At the end of the day, Takiishi is neither submissive or Dominant. He's left out of the social order on yet another level, feeling confused by these big feelings and needs other people have.
But knowing Endo is a submissive...that means Umemiya's a Dominant, and that's what he was doing in Endo's bedroom. Taking care of a need that Takiishi wasn't even capable of perceiving. Even with the one person who's always been here at his side.]
Well. Don't stop on my behalf.
[It doesn't all suddenly come into focus, that's not it, but as Takiishi considers that fact, it makes certain things clearer. Endo's behavior, his actions.
He just doesn't know what to do about it. At the end of the day, Takiishi is neither submissive or Dominant. He's left out of the social order on yet another level, feeling confused by these big feelings and needs other people have.
But knowing Endo is a submissive...that means Umemiya's a Dominant, and that's what he was doing in Endo's bedroom. Taking care of a need that Takiishi wasn't even capable of perceiving. Even with the one person who's always been here at his side.]
Well. Don't stop on my behalf.
[ What a weird feeling. It's one that Endo wouldn't be able to label if he tried. He knows for a fact almost no one would peg him for a submissive. But Takiishi's the only one who got to see that side of him, before Umemiya. Endo threw himself into serving him. He would've done anything he asked.
Coming from anyone else, that oh would be a triumph. Spoken by Takiishi, it wedges into his heart. ]
You don't want me to?
[ There's no surprise in the question. There's barely any curiosity. Endo asks it to confirm what he already believes to be the case.
It's the ideal situation. Takiishi unaffected, Endo getting what he needs elsewhere so he can take care of him with a clear head. No one hurt.
( Except Endo himself, because even as he believes that this is the best possible outcome, he still wants to hear him say yes, he does. That he wants Endo to look only at him. ) ]
I would.
Coming from anyone else, that oh would be a triumph. Spoken by Takiishi, it wedges into his heart. ]
You don't want me to?
[ There's no surprise in the question. There's barely any curiosity. Endo asks it to confirm what he already believes to be the case.
It's the ideal situation. Takiishi unaffected, Endo getting what he needs elsewhere so he can take care of him with a clear head. No one hurt.
( Except Endo himself, because even as he believes that this is the best possible outcome, he still wants to hear him say yes, he does. That he wants Endo to look only at him. ) ]
I would.
[ A stretch of silence follows that statement, because Endo truly doesn't know how to respond. It's complicated, because Takiishi is somewhat wrong — he did fill that need for Endo before. Maybe not in the healthiest way, but Endo was content with it. But things have changed since their time on the roof — because Takiishi isn't punching him anymore. Because he's going out without him, instead of letting Endo take care of everything.
But that's a weird explanation, and an unfair one, too. Endo's desires aren't Takiishi's burden. If he wants to change and grow as a person, Endo won't keep him from that. His needs are his own problem. His foremost desire is for Takiishi to be happy.
In the end, Endo says: ]
I wouldn't ask you to.
[ He's never asked anything of Takiishi. He won't do that now — not even when it comes to this.
But needs are a problem. Endo already knows what happens if he allows them to build up. So in that sense, Takiishi is right. Endo has to do something, or his whole operation will fall apart. ]
But if I don't take care of it, I'll fuck things up for both of us.
[ And between both of them, too. More than he already has. ]
But that's a weird explanation, and an unfair one, too. Endo's desires aren't Takiishi's burden. If he wants to change and grow as a person, Endo won't keep him from that. His needs are his own problem. His foremost desire is for Takiishi to be happy.
In the end, Endo says: ]
I wouldn't ask you to.
[ He's never asked anything of Takiishi. He won't do that now — not even when it comes to this.
But needs are a problem. Endo already knows what happens if he allows them to build up. So in that sense, Takiishi is right. Endo has to do something, or his whole operation will fall apart. ]
But if I don't take care of it, I'll fuck things up for both of us.
[ And between both of them, too. More than he already has. ]
Right.
So. If you're having people over, text me. Just so I know.
[Because that was the part that really managed to get to Takiishi, the surprise of home having someone else, beside just Endo. It's not that he doesn't care at all what Endo's doing with who, it's not about Umemiya, it was the surprise.
Okay. Maybe it is a little about Umemiya. But he doesn't know how to deal with that knot yet.]
So. If you're having people over, text me. Just so I know.
[Because that was the part that really managed to get to Takiishi, the surprise of home having someone else, beside just Endo. It's not that he doesn't care at all what Endo's doing with who, it's not about Umemiya, it was the surprise.
Okay. Maybe it is a little about Umemiya. But he doesn't know how to deal with that knot yet.]
I should've. I'm really sorry I didn't.
[ He could explain that he was having a rough time, or that he wasn't in the right frame of mind, but those would sound like excuses — and could lead to questions about why.
It doesn't matter, anyway. He knows better. He broke his own rules — the ones he put into place because this space is theirs, and because he doesn't want to spring anything on Takiishi the way he just did. ]
I'm not gonna have him over again, so you don't gotta worry.
[ Because he'd hate that — Takiishi wondering. Finding evidence of someone else in his home. Being on edge that it could happen. ]
[ He could explain that he was having a rough time, or that he wasn't in the right frame of mind, but those would sound like excuses — and could lead to questions about why.
It doesn't matter, anyway. He knows better. He broke his own rules — the ones he put into place because this space is theirs, and because he doesn't want to spring anything on Takiishi the way he just did. ]
I'm not gonna have him over again, so you don't gotta worry.
[ Because he'd hate that — Takiishi wondering. Finding evidence of someone else in his home. Being on edge that it could happen. ]
[ That question takes Endo aback, though he recovers quickly, because it makes sense, given his history with women who have deep pockets. It's just not something he expected Takiishi to ask. ]
Yeah, just him. I don't want anyone else to know.
[ It'd be hard to command respect if everyone looked at him like a submissive who could be easily dominated into giving up control. ]
He only found out by accident in the first place.
[ Otherwise, they wouldn't be here. But there's no telling what would've happened instead. Endo had been too desperate.
He says this to make it clear that he wasn't trying to find someone to take his attention away — even though he doesn't think Takiishi is interested in the why's, or that he realized that Endo was distracted in any way. ]
Yeah, just him. I don't want anyone else to know.
[ It'd be hard to command respect if everyone looked at him like a submissive who could be easily dominated into giving up control. ]
He only found out by accident in the first place.
[ Otherwise, they wouldn't be here. But there's no telling what would've happened instead. Endo had been too desperate.
He says this to make it clear that he wasn't trying to find someone to take his attention away — even though he doesn't think Takiishi is interested in the why's, or that he realized that Endo was distracted in any way. ]
[ Now it's Endo's turn to be a little confused. He never said it, but he didn't necessarily hide it, either. He wasn't trying to keep a secret, not before all of this. If at any point Takiishi had asked or showed curiosity he would've explained.
It's true he didn't make it obvious, either, but how would that have felt, if Endo were dropping to his knees or asking for things that Takiishi wouldn't give? How would Takiishi feel, with that burden of knowledge as a pressure that might hold him down? What if Takiishi decided he was tired of him for good, knowing that Endo's needs would only get in the way?
Still it isn't Takiishi job to show an interest. He doesn't need to think any which way about Endo, and Endo didn't want to force his hand. He also truly didn't think it mattered to Takiishi.
Even though Takiishi made that statement, Endo still isn't sure it matters now.
But he feels more guilt regardless. Because any way you look at it, it's still his fuckup. Multiple fuckups.
Quietly: ]
Did you want to know?
It's true he didn't make it obvious, either, but how would that have felt, if Endo were dropping to his knees or asking for things that Takiishi wouldn't give? How would Takiishi feel, with that burden of knowledge as a pressure that might hold him down? What if Takiishi decided he was tired of him for good, knowing that Endo's needs would only get in the way?
Still it isn't Takiishi job to show an interest. He doesn't need to think any which way about Endo, and Endo didn't want to force his hand. He also truly didn't think it mattered to Takiishi.
Even though Takiishi made that statement, Endo still isn't sure it matters now.
But he feels more guilt regardless. Because any way you look at it, it's still his fuckup. Multiple fuckups.
Quietly: ]
Did you want to know?
Oh. I didn't realize.
[ He's caught off guard again, because he had no idea. Takiishi hasn't made it seem like he's interested. And Endo thought he was sparing him by not saying anything at all.
But instead of explaining this, Endo smiles at him — one of those smiles he uses whenever Takiishi says something that gets to him a little. ]
Sorry. I messed up. I'll do better.
[ And he means it. ]
[ He's caught off guard again, because he had no idea. Takiishi hasn't made it seem like he's interested. And Endo thought he was sparing him by not saying anything at all.
But instead of explaining this, Endo smiles at him — one of those smiles he uses whenever Takiishi says something that gets to him a little. ]
Sorry. I messed up. I'll do better.
[ And he means it. ]
Yeah, I'm not going anywhere.
[ Or texting anyone. Or having anyone come over. He's tired. He's glad Takiishi is home, even if this turned out to be a mess. ]
Wanna watch something?
[ But he still doesn't exactly feel like being alone. ]
[ Or texting anyone. Or having anyone come over. He's tired. He's glad Takiishi is home, even if this turned out to be a mess. ]
Wanna watch something?
[ But he still doesn't exactly feel like being alone. ]
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