[ He could explain that he was having a rough time, or that he wasn't in the right frame of mind, but those would sound like excuses — and could lead to questions about why.
It doesn't matter, anyway. He knows better. He broke his own rules — the ones he put into place because this space is theirs, and because he doesn't want to spring anything on Takiishi the way he just did. ]
I'm not gonna have him over again, so you don't gotta worry.
[ Because he'd hate that — Takiishi wondering. Finding evidence of someone else in his home. Being on edge that it could happen. ]
[ That question takes Endo aback, though he recovers quickly, because it makes sense, given his history with women who have deep pockets. It's just not something he expected Takiishi to ask. ]
Yeah, just him. I don't want anyone else to know.
[ It'd be hard to command respect if everyone looked at him like a submissive who could be easily dominated into giving up control. ]
He only found out by accident in the first place.
[ Otherwise, they wouldn't be here. But there's no telling what would've happened instead. Endo had been too desperate.
He says this to make it clear that he wasn't trying to find someone to take his attention away — even though he doesn't think Takiishi is interested in the why's, or that he realized that Endo was distracted in any way. ]
[ Now it's Endo's turn to be a little confused. He never said it, but he didn't necessarily hide it, either. He wasn't trying to keep a secret, not before all of this. If at any point Takiishi had asked or showed curiosity he would've explained.
It's true he didn't make it obvious, either, but how would that have felt, if Endo were dropping to his knees or asking for things that Takiishi wouldn't give? How would Takiishi feel, with that burden of knowledge as a pressure that might hold him down? What if Takiishi decided he was tired of him for good, knowing that Endo's needs would only get in the way?
Still it isn't Takiishi job to show an interest. He doesn't need to think any which way about Endo, and Endo didn't want to force his hand. He also truly didn't think it mattered to Takiishi.
Even though Takiishi made that statement, Endo still isn't sure it matters now.
But he feels more guilt regardless. Because any way you look at it, it's still his fuckup. Multiple fuckups.
Yes. I don't want to be in the dark about everything with you.
[They live together. Their lives are entwined. Even if Takiishi is a null signal on D/s dynamics himself, it would have made things make sense more, to know.]
[ He's caught off guard again, because he had no idea. Takiishi hasn't made it seem like he's interested. And Endo thought he was sparing him by not saying anything at all.
But instead of explaining this, Endo smiles at him — one of those smiles he uses whenever Takiishi says something that gets to him a little. ]
[ Endo also happens to be in the mood for a comedy, given all that's transpired. He grabs the remote and sits on the far end of the couch, leaving Takiishi plenty of space. He scrolls through some options until he finds one they've never seen that looks and sounds perfectly mediocre — the perfect kind of movie to watch when distracted by thinking and processing through events. ]
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[ He could explain that he was having a rough time, or that he wasn't in the right frame of mind, but those would sound like excuses — and could lead to questions about why.
It doesn't matter, anyway. He knows better. He broke his own rules — the ones he put into place because this space is theirs, and because he doesn't want to spring anything on Takiishi the way he just did. ]
I'm not gonna have him over again, so you don't gotta worry.
[ Because he'd hate that — Takiishi wondering. Finding evidence of someone else in his home. Being on edge that it could happen. ]
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[He didn't ask for Umemiya to never come over again, but if that's how Endo wants to proceed, that works, too. Same end result, really.]
Is he the only one you've been...seeing?
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Yeah, just him. I don't want anyone else to know.
[ It'd be hard to command respect if everyone looked at him like a submissive who could be easily dominated into giving up control. ]
He only found out by accident in the first place.
[ Otherwise, they wouldn't be here. But there's no telling what would've happened instead. Endo had been too desperate.
He says this to make it clear that he wasn't trying to find someone to take his attention away — even though he doesn't think Takiishi is interested in the why's, or that he realized that Endo was distracted in any way. ]
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[Because clearly Endo hasn't been planning to tell him at any point up until now. That causes an odd ache in his chest.]
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It's true he didn't make it obvious, either, but how would that have felt, if Endo were dropping to his knees or asking for things that Takiishi wouldn't give? How would Takiishi feel, with that burden of knowledge as a pressure that might hold him down? What if Takiishi decided he was tired of him for good, knowing that Endo's needs would only get in the way?
Still it isn't Takiishi job to show an interest. He doesn't need to think any which way about Endo, and Endo didn't want to force his hand. He also truly didn't think it mattered to Takiishi.
Even though Takiishi made that statement, Endo still isn't sure it matters now.
But he feels more guilt regardless. Because any way you look at it, it's still his fuckup. Multiple fuckups.
Quietly: ]
Did you want to know?
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[They live together. Their lives are entwined. Even if Takiishi is a null signal on D/s dynamics himself, it would have made things make sense more, to know.]
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[ He's caught off guard again, because he had no idea. Takiishi hasn't made it seem like he's interested. And Endo thought he was sparing him by not saying anything at all.
But instead of explaining this, Endo smiles at him — one of those smiles he uses whenever Takiishi says something that gets to him a little. ]
Sorry. I messed up. I'll do better.
[ And he means it. ]
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[He knows Endo means it when he says that.]
I think I'm home for the rest of the day. You?
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[ Or texting anyone. Or having anyone come over. He's tired. He's glad Takiishi is home, even if this turned out to be a mess. ]
Wanna watch something?
[ But he still doesn't exactly feel like being alone. ]
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[He's going to move over to the couch and flop, though he's still thinking. A lot.]
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[ Endo also happens to be in the mood for a comedy, given all that's transpired. He grabs the remote and sits on the far end of the couch, leaving Takiishi plenty of space. He scrolls through some options until he finds one they've never seen that looks and sounds perfectly mediocre — the perfect kind of movie to watch when distracted by thinking and processing through events. ]
What about this?