[ Endo doesn't say anything as Umemiya shuts the door behind him. He leans against the counter, sagging a little under the weight of all that's just happened. Outside of that, he tries not to focus on the mess of what he feels and instead focuses on the very near future — and Takiishi. ]
He's gone.
[ He calls his out loud enough to be heard, that way Takiishi knows that their space is theirs alone again. ]
[Takiishi comes back out of the bedroom, to the kitchen and just. Stares. At Endo. Like he's waiting for something, though he's giving no indication of what that is.]
[ That's the first thing out of Endo's mouth — not that he thinks Takiishi is looking for an apology. But it needs to be said. He made a mistake tonight.
He knows that Takiishi is waiting for more than that, so he rubs the back of his neck and adds: ]
I know it's weird. It wasn't supposed to be a whole thing.
[ And he wasn't supposed to invite Umemiya over. ]
[ That tone makes Endo's heart ache. It makes him want to call Umemiya right now and cut him off for good. It makes him feel like he could almost hate him again — but only because he's projecting. He isn't stupid. He knows he only has himself to blame. ]
Kinda, I guess.
[ As much as Endo wants to lie to Takiishi to spare him more of this conversation, he won't do it. ]
We don't talk about it much.
[ Not the finer details. They haven't exactly formalized anything. But they've only grown closer, and Endo's only grown freer. More comfortable. More understood. ]
But it's been a few times, and I —
[ What? Need him? Want him? Feel — loved? He can't sort through that now. ]
I'm a submissive, Takiishi.
[ He says it apologetically, like this knowledge is a burden he's foisting upon him — like he's sorry for having needs. ]
[It doesn't all suddenly come into focus, that's not it, but as Takiishi considers that fact, it makes certain things clearer. Endo's behavior, his actions.
He just doesn't know what to do about it. At the end of the day, Takiishi is neither submissive or Dominant. He's left out of the social order on yet another level, feeling confused by these big feelings and needs other people have.
But knowing Endo is a submissive...that means Umemiya's a Dominant, and that's what he was doing in Endo's bedroom. Taking care of a need that Takiishi wasn't even capable of perceiving. Even with the one person who's always been here at his side.]
[ What a weird feeling. It's one that Endo wouldn't be able to label if he tried. He knows for a fact almost no one would peg him for a submissive. But Takiishi's the only one who got to see that side of him, before Umemiya. Endo threw himself into serving him. He would've done anything he asked.
Coming from anyone else, that oh would be a triumph. Spoken by Takiishi, it wedges into his heart. ]
You don't want me to?
[ There's no surprise in the question. There's barely any curiosity. Endo asks it to confirm what he already believes to be the case.
It's the ideal situation. Takiishi unaffected, Endo getting what he needs elsewhere so he can take care of him with a clear head. No one hurt.
( Except Endo himself, because even as he believes that this is the best possible outcome, he still wants to hear him say yes, he does. That he wants Endo to look only at him. ) ]
Submissives need something that I don't know how to give.
[It's not that he's unaffected, but. He doesn't know how to be a Dominant, not like someone who was born to the role. It's another set of social rules for him to just suck at.]
[ A stretch of silence follows that statement, because Endo truly doesn't know how to respond. It's complicated, because Takiishi is somewhat wrong — he did fill that need for Endo before. Maybe not in the healthiest way, but Endo was content with it. But things have changed since their time on the roof — because Takiishi isn't punching him anymore. Because he's going out without him, instead of letting Endo take care of everything.
But that's a weird explanation, and an unfair one, too. Endo's desires aren't Takiishi's burden. If he wants to change and grow as a person, Endo won't keep him from that. His needs are his own problem. His foremost desire is for Takiishi to be happy.
In the end, Endo says: ]
I wouldn't ask you to.
[ He's never asked anything of Takiishi. He won't do that now — not even when it comes to this.
But needs are a problem. Endo already knows what happens if he allows them to build up. So in that sense, Takiishi is right. Endo has to do something, or his whole operation will fall apart. ]
But if I don't take care of it, I'll fuck things up for both of us.
[ And between both of them, too. More than he already has. ]
So. If you're having people over, text me. Just so I know.
[Because that was the part that really managed to get to Takiishi, the surprise of home having someone else, beside just Endo. It's not that he doesn't care at all what Endo's doing with who, it's not about Umemiya, it was the surprise.
Okay. Maybe it is a little about Umemiya. But he doesn't know how to deal with that knot yet.]
[ He could explain that he was having a rough time, or that he wasn't in the right frame of mind, but those would sound like excuses — and could lead to questions about why.
It doesn't matter, anyway. He knows better. He broke his own rules — the ones he put into place because this space is theirs, and because he doesn't want to spring anything on Takiishi the way he just did. ]
I'm not gonna have him over again, so you don't gotta worry.
[ Because he'd hate that — Takiishi wondering. Finding evidence of someone else in his home. Being on edge that it could happen. ]
[ That question takes Endo aback, though he recovers quickly, because it makes sense, given his history with women who have deep pockets. It's just not something he expected Takiishi to ask. ]
Yeah, just him. I don't want anyone else to know.
[ It'd be hard to command respect if everyone looked at him like a submissive who could be easily dominated into giving up control. ]
He only found out by accident in the first place.
[ Otherwise, they wouldn't be here. But there's no telling what would've happened instead. Endo had been too desperate.
He says this to make it clear that he wasn't trying to find someone to take his attention away — even though he doesn't think Takiishi is interested in the why's, or that he realized that Endo was distracted in any way. ]
[ Now it's Endo's turn to be a little confused. He never said it, but he didn't necessarily hide it, either. He wasn't trying to keep a secret, not before all of this. If at any point Takiishi had asked or showed curiosity he would've explained.
It's true he didn't make it obvious, either, but how would that have felt, if Endo were dropping to his knees or asking for things that Takiishi wouldn't give? How would Takiishi feel, with that burden of knowledge as a pressure that might hold him down? What if Takiishi decided he was tired of him for good, knowing that Endo's needs would only get in the way?
Still it isn't Takiishi job to show an interest. He doesn't need to think any which way about Endo, and Endo didn't want to force his hand. He also truly didn't think it mattered to Takiishi.
Even though Takiishi made that statement, Endo still isn't sure it matters now.
But he feels more guilt regardless. Because any way you look at it, it's still his fuckup. Multiple fuckups.
Yes. I don't want to be in the dark about everything with you.
[They live together. Their lives are entwined. Even if Takiishi is a null signal on D/s dynamics himself, it would have made things make sense more, to know.]
[ He's caught off guard again, because he had no idea. Takiishi hasn't made it seem like he's interested. And Endo thought he was sparing him by not saying anything at all.
But instead of explaining this, Endo smiles at him — one of those smiles he uses whenever Takiishi says something that gets to him a little. ]
[ Endo also happens to be in the mood for a comedy, given all that's transpired. He grabs the remote and sits on the far end of the couch, leaving Takiishi plenty of space. He scrolls through some options until he finds one they've never seen that looks and sounds perfectly mediocre — the perfect kind of movie to watch when distracted by thinking and processing through events. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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He's gone.
[ He calls his out loud enough to be heard, that way Takiishi knows that their space is theirs alone again. ]
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[Takiishi comes back out of the bedroom, to the kitchen and just. Stares. At Endo. Like he's waiting for something, though he's giving no indication of what that is.]
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[ That's the first thing out of Endo's mouth — not that he thinks Takiishi is looking for an apology. But it needs to be said. He made a mistake tonight.
He knows that Takiishi is waiting for more than that, so he rubs the back of his neck and adds: ]
I know it's weird. It wasn't supposed to be a whole thing.
[ And he wasn't supposed to invite Umemiya over. ]
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[Takiishi's voice is quiet, confusion leaching into it.]
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Kinda, I guess.
[ As much as Endo wants to lie to Takiishi to spare him more of this conversation, he won't do it. ]
We don't talk about it much.
[ Not the finer details. They haven't exactly formalized anything. But they've only grown closer, and Endo's only grown freer. More comfortable. More understood. ]
But it's been a few times, and I —
[ What? Need him? Want him? Feel — loved? He can't sort through that now. ]
I'm a submissive, Takiishi.
[ He says it apologetically, like this knowledge is a burden he's foisting upon him — like he's sorry for having needs. ]
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[It doesn't all suddenly come into focus, that's not it, but as Takiishi considers that fact, it makes certain things clearer. Endo's behavior, his actions.
He just doesn't know what to do about it. At the end of the day, Takiishi is neither submissive or Dominant. He's left out of the social order on yet another level, feeling confused by these big feelings and needs other people have.
But knowing Endo is a submissive...that means Umemiya's a Dominant, and that's what he was doing in Endo's bedroom. Taking care of a need that Takiishi wasn't even capable of perceiving. Even with the one person who's always been here at his side.]
Well. Don't stop on my behalf.
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Coming from anyone else, that oh would be a triumph. Spoken by Takiishi, it wedges into his heart. ]
You don't want me to?
[ There's no surprise in the question. There's barely any curiosity. Endo asks it to confirm what he already believes to be the case.
It's the ideal situation. Takiishi unaffected, Endo getting what he needs elsewhere so he can take care of him with a clear head. No one hurt.
( Except Endo himself, because even as he believes that this is the best possible outcome, he still wants to hear him say yes, he does. That he wants Endo to look only at him. ) ]
I would.
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[It's not that he's unaffected, but. He doesn't know how to be a Dominant, not like someone who was born to the role. It's another set of social rules for him to just suck at.]
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But that's a weird explanation, and an unfair one, too. Endo's desires aren't Takiishi's burden. If he wants to change and grow as a person, Endo won't keep him from that. His needs are his own problem. His foremost desire is for Takiishi to be happy.
In the end, Endo says: ]
I wouldn't ask you to.
[ He's never asked anything of Takiishi. He won't do that now — not even when it comes to this.
But needs are a problem. Endo already knows what happens if he allows them to build up. So in that sense, Takiishi is right. Endo has to do something, or his whole operation will fall apart. ]
But if I don't take care of it, I'll fuck things up for both of us.
[ And between both of them, too. More than he already has. ]
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So. If you're having people over, text me. Just so I know.
[Because that was the part that really managed to get to Takiishi, the surprise of home having someone else, beside just Endo. It's not that he doesn't care at all what Endo's doing with who, it's not about Umemiya, it was the surprise.
Okay. Maybe it is a little about Umemiya. But he doesn't know how to deal with that knot yet.]
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[ He could explain that he was having a rough time, or that he wasn't in the right frame of mind, but those would sound like excuses — and could lead to questions about why.
It doesn't matter, anyway. He knows better. He broke his own rules — the ones he put into place because this space is theirs, and because he doesn't want to spring anything on Takiishi the way he just did. ]
I'm not gonna have him over again, so you don't gotta worry.
[ Because he'd hate that — Takiishi wondering. Finding evidence of someone else in his home. Being on edge that it could happen. ]
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[He didn't ask for Umemiya to never come over again, but if that's how Endo wants to proceed, that works, too. Same end result, really.]
Is he the only one you've been...seeing?
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Yeah, just him. I don't want anyone else to know.
[ It'd be hard to command respect if everyone looked at him like a submissive who could be easily dominated into giving up control. ]
He only found out by accident in the first place.
[ Otherwise, they wouldn't be here. But there's no telling what would've happened instead. Endo had been too desperate.
He says this to make it clear that he wasn't trying to find someone to take his attention away — even though he doesn't think Takiishi is interested in the why's, or that he realized that Endo was distracted in any way. ]
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[Because clearly Endo hasn't been planning to tell him at any point up until now. That causes an odd ache in his chest.]
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It's true he didn't make it obvious, either, but how would that have felt, if Endo were dropping to his knees or asking for things that Takiishi wouldn't give? How would Takiishi feel, with that burden of knowledge as a pressure that might hold him down? What if Takiishi decided he was tired of him for good, knowing that Endo's needs would only get in the way?
Still it isn't Takiishi job to show an interest. He doesn't need to think any which way about Endo, and Endo didn't want to force his hand. He also truly didn't think it mattered to Takiishi.
Even though Takiishi made that statement, Endo still isn't sure it matters now.
But he feels more guilt regardless. Because any way you look at it, it's still his fuckup. Multiple fuckups.
Quietly: ]
Did you want to know?
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[They live together. Their lives are entwined. Even if Takiishi is a null signal on D/s dynamics himself, it would have made things make sense more, to know.]
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[ He's caught off guard again, because he had no idea. Takiishi hasn't made it seem like he's interested. And Endo thought he was sparing him by not saying anything at all.
But instead of explaining this, Endo smiles at him — one of those smiles he uses whenever Takiishi says something that gets to him a little. ]
Sorry. I messed up. I'll do better.
[ And he means it. ]
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[He knows Endo means it when he says that.]
I think I'm home for the rest of the day. You?
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[ Or texting anyone. Or having anyone come over. He's tired. He's glad Takiishi is home, even if this turned out to be a mess. ]
Wanna watch something?
[ But he still doesn't exactly feel like being alone. ]
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[He's going to move over to the couch and flop, though he's still thinking. A lot.]
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[ Endo also happens to be in the mood for a comedy, given all that's transpired. He grabs the remote and sits on the far end of the couch, leaving Takiishi plenty of space. He scrolls through some options until he finds one they've never seen that looks and sounds perfectly mediocre — the perfect kind of movie to watch when distracted by thinking and processing through events. ]
What about this?