[ Truthfully, Endo has no idea how to explain how a simple, singular session spiraled into what it is today. He doesn't think Takiishi has ever really thought about his needs. In fact, Endo isn't sure if Takiishi's aware that he's a submissive at all. On paper, it's probably obvious that Endo has always desired to serve him — but that doesn't mean that Takiishi has ever cared to think about it.
Endo doesn't think he has.
And that's perfectly fine — he doesn't need him to know — but it makes this situation more awkward.
It would be even harder to explain the cascading effect of Takiishi's decision to go out, but that's because it would lead to confessions that Endo doesn't foist upon him. So all he says is: ]
[ He used to hate Umemiya. For a while, Endo felt like he'd never stop hating him, despite the developing dynamic between them. But he's admitted to himself that he doesn't, not anymore — even if he isn't always the best at conveying it.
He doesn't say this, though it's not because he's trying to be difficult or keep secrets. It's just hard to face it himself sometimes, with how everything still tangles up within him. ]
In my bedroom.
[ He isn't embarrassed — just guilty, frustrated with himself, and apologetic. ]
[Takiishi's eyebrows shoot up as he tries to figure out how that happened. He doesn't speak for a long moment, instead grabbing the clothes Endo brought him.]
[ That stretched out moment of silence is excruciating — as is Takiishi's expression. He may not be upset, but the surprise and ultimate dismissal of the topic — from Endo's perspective — only fuels Endo's mixed emotions. He wasn't trying to surprise him. Aside from the occasional treat or small gifts, Endo doesn't tend to spring the unexpected on him. But since he did — and since this is big — there's a part of him that wishes Takiishi would have more of a reaction.
That's a thought he immediately shoves down, because it's irrational. He doesn't want to make Takiishi angry or unhappy, no matter what, so it doesn't make sense that he'd want more from him.
He smiles for the first time since Takiishi's arrival. ]
Yeah, okay.
[ He wants Takiishi to be comfortable.
But as soon as Takiishi goes to do that, Endo returns to his bedroom, running a hand through his hair as he looks at Umemiya. ]
You should go.
[ This is all he says, immediately turning to go back to the kitchen to wait for Takiishi. It is not the way a submissive should be treating a Dominant. It's not the way someone should treat the person who just held him, making him feel secure and cared for in the ways he's wanted — but it feels like this is over.
He warned Umemiya. But Endo still feels like shit about it, just like he feels like shit for doing this in the first place. ]
[ It isn't Umemiya's fault. Endo invited him. But this situation causes old, barely conquered habits to slip through, and Endo simply lets him apologize and take on that burden. It's fucked up, but Endo wants him to blame himself; it gratifies him in some small, ugly way that he wouldn't be able to dig into even if he wanted to. Despite everything, he's still himself — a manipulative asshole who prefers to move pawns according to his — and ultimately Takiishi's — desires. So screw it. Umemiya can feel bad.
There's an honest answer to Umemiya's question, which is that there is something that isn't turning out okay, but Endo is back to dismissiveness, a wall firmly back in place. ]
You heard him. It's no big deal.
[ At the least, Takiishi did not say anything to indicate that he cares either which way, aside from being surprised at the situation.
It is a big deal though — to Endo, if no one else. ]
You can kick me out, but don't lie to me like that.
[He knows Endo well enough to almost feel the way his heart is squeezed in a situation like this. But he's moving for the door, knowing that lingering won't help anyone.]
[ He says it without bothering to look at Umemiya again. He doesn't want to see anything in his face. He doesn't want sympathy, or care, or hurt, or any of that — not anymore. He just wants to go back to taking care of Takiishi, like this never happened. Like Umemiya never happened.
But that thought makes him clench his teeth as he stares at the refrigerator, a subtle tension tightening his shoulders. Because even now, in the thick of all of this, Endo is still Umemiya's.
[Umemiya goes without another word, feeling heavy. He fucked this all up, didn't he? If he were smarter, he wouldn't have come over here at all. That was the first mistake.
...should he and Endo be doing any of this at all? Is he getting in the way?
Dom drop sneaks up on him like a mugger, the point of a knife against the back of his neck. Self-doubt and confused emotions claim him, on his lonely walk home.]
[ Endo doesn't say anything as Umemiya shuts the door behind him. He leans against the counter, sagging a little under the weight of all that's just happened. Outside of that, he tries not to focus on the mess of what he feels and instead focuses on the very near future — and Takiishi. ]
He's gone.
[ He calls his out loud enough to be heard, that way Takiishi knows that their space is theirs alone again. ]
[Takiishi comes back out of the bedroom, to the kitchen and just. Stares. At Endo. Like he's waiting for something, though he's giving no indication of what that is.]
[ That's the first thing out of Endo's mouth — not that he thinks Takiishi is looking for an apology. But it needs to be said. He made a mistake tonight.
He knows that Takiishi is waiting for more than that, so he rubs the back of his neck and adds: ]
I know it's weird. It wasn't supposed to be a whole thing.
[ And he wasn't supposed to invite Umemiya over. ]
[ That tone makes Endo's heart ache. It makes him want to call Umemiya right now and cut him off for good. It makes him feel like he could almost hate him again — but only because he's projecting. He isn't stupid. He knows he only has himself to blame. ]
Kinda, I guess.
[ As much as Endo wants to lie to Takiishi to spare him more of this conversation, he won't do it. ]
We don't talk about it much.
[ Not the finer details. They haven't exactly formalized anything. But they've only grown closer, and Endo's only grown freer. More comfortable. More understood. ]
But it's been a few times, and I —
[ What? Need him? Want him? Feel — loved? He can't sort through that now. ]
I'm a submissive, Takiishi.
[ He says it apologetically, like this knowledge is a burden he's foisting upon him — like he's sorry for having needs. ]
[It doesn't all suddenly come into focus, that's not it, but as Takiishi considers that fact, it makes certain things clearer. Endo's behavior, his actions.
He just doesn't know what to do about it. At the end of the day, Takiishi is neither submissive or Dominant. He's left out of the social order on yet another level, feeling confused by these big feelings and needs other people have.
But knowing Endo is a submissive...that means Umemiya's a Dominant, and that's what he was doing in Endo's bedroom. Taking care of a need that Takiishi wasn't even capable of perceiving. Even with the one person who's always been here at his side.]
[ What a weird feeling. It's one that Endo wouldn't be able to label if he tried. He knows for a fact almost no one would peg him for a submissive. But Takiishi's the only one who got to see that side of him, before Umemiya. Endo threw himself into serving him. He would've done anything he asked.
Coming from anyone else, that oh would be a triumph. Spoken by Takiishi, it wedges into his heart. ]
You don't want me to?
[ There's no surprise in the question. There's barely any curiosity. Endo asks it to confirm what he already believes to be the case.
It's the ideal situation. Takiishi unaffected, Endo getting what he needs elsewhere so he can take care of him with a clear head. No one hurt.
( Except Endo himself, because even as he believes that this is the best possible outcome, he still wants to hear him say yes, he does. That he wants Endo to look only at him. ) ]
Submissives need something that I don't know how to give.
[It's not that he's unaffected, but. He doesn't know how to be a Dominant, not like someone who was born to the role. It's another set of social rules for him to just suck at.]
[ A stretch of silence follows that statement, because Endo truly doesn't know how to respond. It's complicated, because Takiishi is somewhat wrong — he did fill that need for Endo before. Maybe not in the healthiest way, but Endo was content with it. But things have changed since their time on the roof — because Takiishi isn't punching him anymore. Because he's going out without him, instead of letting Endo take care of everything.
But that's a weird explanation, and an unfair one, too. Endo's desires aren't Takiishi's burden. If he wants to change and grow as a person, Endo won't keep him from that. His needs are his own problem. His foremost desire is for Takiishi to be happy.
In the end, Endo says: ]
I wouldn't ask you to.
[ He's never asked anything of Takiishi. He won't do that now — not even when it comes to this.
But needs are a problem. Endo already knows what happens if he allows them to build up. So in that sense, Takiishi is right. Endo has to do something, or his whole operation will fall apart. ]
But if I don't take care of it, I'll fuck things up for both of us.
[ And between both of them, too. More than he already has. ]
So. If you're having people over, text me. Just so I know.
[Because that was the part that really managed to get to Takiishi, the surprise of home having someone else, beside just Endo. It's not that he doesn't care at all what Endo's doing with who, it's not about Umemiya, it was the surprise.
Okay. Maybe it is a little about Umemiya. But he doesn't know how to deal with that knot yet.]
[ He could explain that he was having a rough time, or that he wasn't in the right frame of mind, but those would sound like excuses — and could lead to questions about why.
It doesn't matter, anyway. He knows better. He broke his own rules — the ones he put into place because this space is theirs, and because he doesn't want to spring anything on Takiishi the way he just did. ]
I'm not gonna have him over again, so you don't gotta worry.
[ Because he'd hate that — Takiishi wondering. Finding evidence of someone else in his home. Being on edge that it could happen. ]
[ That question takes Endo aback, though he recovers quickly, because it makes sense, given his history with women who have deep pockets. It's just not something he expected Takiishi to ask. ]
Yeah, just him. I don't want anyone else to know.
[ It'd be hard to command respect if everyone looked at him like a submissive who could be easily dominated into giving up control. ]
He only found out by accident in the first place.
[ Otherwise, they wouldn't be here. But there's no telling what would've happened instead. Endo had been too desperate.
He says this to make it clear that he wasn't trying to find someone to take his attention away — even though he doesn't think Takiishi is interested in the why's, or that he realized that Endo was distracted in any way. ]
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[Takiishi isn't upset, he's just completely confused. The path that leads to Umemiya being here in their home isn't something he can perceive.]
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Endo doesn't think he has.
And that's perfectly fine — he doesn't need him to know — but it makes this situation more awkward.
It would be even harder to explain the cascading effect of Takiishi's decision to go out, but that's because it would lead to confessions that Endo doesn't foist upon him. So all he says is: ]
I invited him.
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[It doesn't make any sense. But it's a situation that's here now.]
Where is he?
[In the bedroom, Umemiya is listening and staying put, scared he's fucked things up for all of them, by accepting that invitation.]
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He doesn't say this, though it's not because he's trying to be difficult or keep secrets. It's just hard to face it himself sometimes, with how everything still tangles up within him. ]
In my bedroom.
[ He isn't embarrassed — just guilty, frustrated with himself, and apologetic. ]
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I'm going to go change.
[Maybe it'll make sense when he's not as hot.]
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That's a thought he immediately shoves down, because it's irrational. He doesn't want to make Takiishi angry or unhappy, no matter what, so it doesn't make sense that he'd want more from him.
He smiles for the first time since Takiishi's arrival. ]
Yeah, okay.
[ He wants Takiishi to be comfortable.
But as soon as Takiishi goes to do that, Endo returns to his bedroom, running a hand through his hair as he looks at Umemiya. ]
You should go.
[ This is all he says, immediately turning to go back to the kitchen to wait for Takiishi. It is not the way a submissive should be treating a Dominant. It's not the way someone should treat the person who just held him, making him feel secure and cared for in the ways he's wanted — but it feels like this is over.
He warned Umemiya. But Endo still feels like shit about it, just like he feels like shit for doing this in the first place. ]
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[To come between them. To be a point of tension. To surprise Takiishi. To make things so complicated.]
...I'm sorry.
[He stands, grabs his bag. Gives Endo a lingering look of uncertainty.]
Are you two going to be okay?
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There's an honest answer to Umemiya's question, which is that there is something that isn't turning out okay, but Endo is back to dismissiveness, a wall firmly back in place. ]
You heard him. It's no big deal.
[ At the least, Takiishi did not say anything to indicate that he cares either which way, aside from being surprised at the situation.
It is a big deal though — to Endo, if no one else. ]
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[He knows Endo well enough to almost feel the way his heart is squeezed in a situation like this. But he's moving for the door, knowing that lingering won't help anyone.]
I can text you later, or something.
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[ He says it without bothering to look at Umemiya again. He doesn't want to see anything in his face. He doesn't want sympathy, or care, or hurt, or any of that — not anymore. He just wants to go back to taking care of Takiishi, like this never happened. Like Umemiya never happened.
But that thought makes him clench his teeth as he stares at the refrigerator, a subtle tension tightening his shoulders. Because even now, in the thick of all of this, Endo is still Umemiya's.
But he's more Takiishi's. ]
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...should he and Endo be doing any of this at all? Is he getting in the way?
Dom drop sneaks up on him like a mugger, the point of a knife against the back of his neck. Self-doubt and confused emotions claim him, on his lonely walk home.]
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He's gone.
[ He calls his out loud enough to be heard, that way Takiishi knows that their space is theirs alone again. ]
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[Takiishi comes back out of the bedroom, to the kitchen and just. Stares. At Endo. Like he's waiting for something, though he's giving no indication of what that is.]
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[ That's the first thing out of Endo's mouth — not that he thinks Takiishi is looking for an apology. But it needs to be said. He made a mistake tonight.
He knows that Takiishi is waiting for more than that, so he rubs the back of his neck and adds: ]
I know it's weird. It wasn't supposed to be a whole thing.
[ And he wasn't supposed to invite Umemiya over. ]
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[Takiishi's voice is quiet, confusion leaching into it.]
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Kinda, I guess.
[ As much as Endo wants to lie to Takiishi to spare him more of this conversation, he won't do it. ]
We don't talk about it much.
[ Not the finer details. They haven't exactly formalized anything. But they've only grown closer, and Endo's only grown freer. More comfortable. More understood. ]
But it's been a few times, and I —
[ What? Need him? Want him? Feel — loved? He can't sort through that now. ]
I'm a submissive, Takiishi.
[ He says it apologetically, like this knowledge is a burden he's foisting upon him — like he's sorry for having needs. ]
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[It doesn't all suddenly come into focus, that's not it, but as Takiishi considers that fact, it makes certain things clearer. Endo's behavior, his actions.
He just doesn't know what to do about it. At the end of the day, Takiishi is neither submissive or Dominant. He's left out of the social order on yet another level, feeling confused by these big feelings and needs other people have.
But knowing Endo is a submissive...that means Umemiya's a Dominant, and that's what he was doing in Endo's bedroom. Taking care of a need that Takiishi wasn't even capable of perceiving. Even with the one person who's always been here at his side.]
Well. Don't stop on my behalf.
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Coming from anyone else, that oh would be a triumph. Spoken by Takiishi, it wedges into his heart. ]
You don't want me to?
[ There's no surprise in the question. There's barely any curiosity. Endo asks it to confirm what he already believes to be the case.
It's the ideal situation. Takiishi unaffected, Endo getting what he needs elsewhere so he can take care of him with a clear head. No one hurt.
( Except Endo himself, because even as he believes that this is the best possible outcome, he still wants to hear him say yes, he does. That he wants Endo to look only at him. ) ]
I would.
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[It's not that he's unaffected, but. He doesn't know how to be a Dominant, not like someone who was born to the role. It's another set of social rules for him to just suck at.]
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But that's a weird explanation, and an unfair one, too. Endo's desires aren't Takiishi's burden. If he wants to change and grow as a person, Endo won't keep him from that. His needs are his own problem. His foremost desire is for Takiishi to be happy.
In the end, Endo says: ]
I wouldn't ask you to.
[ He's never asked anything of Takiishi. He won't do that now — not even when it comes to this.
But needs are a problem. Endo already knows what happens if he allows them to build up. So in that sense, Takiishi is right. Endo has to do something, or his whole operation will fall apart. ]
But if I don't take care of it, I'll fuck things up for both of us.
[ And between both of them, too. More than he already has. ]
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So. If you're having people over, text me. Just so I know.
[Because that was the part that really managed to get to Takiishi, the surprise of home having someone else, beside just Endo. It's not that he doesn't care at all what Endo's doing with who, it's not about Umemiya, it was the surprise.
Okay. Maybe it is a little about Umemiya. But he doesn't know how to deal with that knot yet.]
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[ He could explain that he was having a rough time, or that he wasn't in the right frame of mind, but those would sound like excuses — and could lead to questions about why.
It doesn't matter, anyway. He knows better. He broke his own rules — the ones he put into place because this space is theirs, and because he doesn't want to spring anything on Takiishi the way he just did. ]
I'm not gonna have him over again, so you don't gotta worry.
[ Because he'd hate that — Takiishi wondering. Finding evidence of someone else in his home. Being on edge that it could happen. ]
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[He didn't ask for Umemiya to never come over again, but if that's how Endo wants to proceed, that works, too. Same end result, really.]
Is he the only one you've been...seeing?
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Yeah, just him. I don't want anyone else to know.
[ It'd be hard to command respect if everyone looked at him like a submissive who could be easily dominated into giving up control. ]
He only found out by accident in the first place.
[ Otherwise, they wouldn't be here. But there's no telling what would've happened instead. Endo had been too desperate.
He says this to make it clear that he wasn't trying to find someone to take his attention away — even though he doesn't think Takiishi is interested in the why's, or that he realized that Endo was distracted in any way. ]
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[Because clearly Endo hasn't been planning to tell him at any point up until now. That causes an odd ache in his chest.]
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